


When the Entire Earth Shattered

by Skyskysword



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Related, Gen, No Slash, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Sam Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:53:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28793484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyskysword/pseuds/Skyskysword
Summary: TW/CW: suicideThis story contains explicit suicide description. If you feel like this might be triggering, don't read it.Seriously it's dark, explicit, heartbreaking and more.This story takes place in 7.02. It basically focuses on what is going on in Sam and Dean's head. I was pretty occupied with Lucifer hallucinations riding Sam towards suicide and Dean calling Bobby at the end of the episode "You can't be in that crater back there. If you're gone I swear I'm gonna strap my brother into the car and I am gonna drive us off the pier. You asked how I was doing. Well not good! You said you'd be here. Where are you." In this episode we witnessed the darkest moods of Winchesters, being Dean he wouldn't leave his brother without marbles to take care himself. Dean's call was one and only one monolog we ever get from Dean, directly threatening murder/suicide. Even in s5 when he was willing to be vessel, he wasn't suicidal.Therefore I tweaked the strings of events at the end, thinking smallest detail would have gone worse, that might have been it. It alters from canon at the end. I asked to myself how really off the reservations were the brothers. I wanted to explore their mindsets thoroughly.
Kudos: 3





	When the Entire Earth Shattered

When the Entire Earth Shattered

Castiel has just absorbed souls and Leviathans. Bobby was on the ground, Dean was on the ground, Sam was out of site. Not five minutes ago Cas went full on dick mode, made them bow in front of them, claiming the new god. That… didn’t last. Now Leviathans clingy bastards took charge of him. Many of them making Castiel’s vessel move like a giant muppet, almost like every last one of the monsters were pulling at a different direction.

Dean took momentary opportunity to ask how many of them are in there. Because sooner than later Cas’ body will disintegrate, and they will face those monsters individually. He was as professional hunter for all his life to prioritize and make inquiry, gather information. He even said numbers in folds to read a rough estimate from Cas’ face, but Leviathans just returned with a “We’ll be back! For you!” Well. He wouldn’t take it any other way. Dean was definitely going to go after them. So, let them come! It would make his job a little easier.

While Leviathans stumbled their way to the door, Bobby rose, more interested than shocked really, “Well, that’s a new one.” The man has lived, thankfully, twice of average lifespan of a hunter. Still, he gets somewhat fascinated with a new knowledge, new challenge, monster. Dean’s respect for their honorary father spiked. Now that they have a breathing room.

Now that they are momentarily out of imminent mortal danger, the usual very familiar panic alerted him to his feet. SAMMY! He was out of site for quite some time. He was in no shape mentally or physically. Honestly, it was one of the greatest surprises when he saw him after Cas, which was honestly what he would do, only thing -to- do at that moment. He saw enough of Sam to assess he is not remotely fine. All it took was one look obviously, his eyes trained best for him. Whatever shape he is in; Dean would take care of him. The fact that the kid could rise from that bed showed him what a strong SOB his brother is. Of course, he already knew, on that, his faith never wavered. He had to find Sam.

In the meantime, Sam was being tortured by Lucifer. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be real, yet he was making his case pretty good. After swan diving to the cage Cas will bring him back, will leave his soul in the cage, basically as Dean would say making him a Turbo Sam, Death would put a wall in his head to short circuit the hell part (seriously what the fuck is that) because Dean put Death’s ring on and understood the life beyond the veil? The natural order? Nothing was “natural” only “supernatural” in their world. And to top it all of Cas breaking the wall in his head, because he was literally throwing a fit since Dean didn’t listen to him, believe in him. Like what he suggested was the most sensible plan in the whole world. Absorbing souls from Purgatory, which was filled with souls and monsters that can break the world, God’s perfect (well...) creation. This was way too stretch even for “supernatural” world. First of all, how the hell (literally) Cas was able to bring Sam back in any shape or form from the cage. Let’s say he just brought back the shell, his power was not sufficient for cage not even close. Why would Death play a twisted play with Dean and agree to help Sam? What are they to Death anyway? Wasn’t he the one used the analogy of bacterium? Why would he even be interested? To warn Dean about Cas and purgatory? If it was that big of deal, he could have just said it straight. If he was trying to remain outside of the living affairs, then why get involved with half-clues and put a wall in Sam’s head? Though truth be told, when Sam wasn’t okay Dean’s focus is inevitably unwaveringly Sam. Sam could rationalize Death wanted to rearrange Dean’s priorities by treating Sam. Finally, Cas, breaks his head? This was the furthest stretch, Sam wasn’t willing to just admit Cas being that spiteful, that evil to endanger Sam’s life so literally. Even after they learned he betrayed them, Sam never questioned Cas’ intentions. They were always good and justifiable, but his method was completely twisted, and he refused to see that. He acted like a monster himself. Which now is. While Sam is being choked to death by Lucifer his brain raced and evaluated all these in a second. Lucifer may be right. Him losing his mind or Lucifer mind-controlling him *in* cage rather than on earth after all these is actually more plausible. Of course he would return to Dean in his mind or by Lucifer’s torments. Because, alone in the cage with Lucifer, Sam desperately wishes the help of his brother every moment. Damn… What IS real?

Dean finally reached Sam, his eyes wide, Sam is hunched, his back on the wall, trying to breath, looking like he is full on breaking down. When he reaches to him, Sam startles and get scared, like he just saw Dean, just returned to the reality. “Hey, look at me. We are gonna button this up.” They had to.

They followed Cas and see him walking into the middle of the city public water supply. He dives in the water, the water turns black momentarily and done. Cas is completely gone. A bloody trench coat was all there is left from him. “Dumb son of a bitch, why didn’t you listen to me?”. It still hurts, he felt like he couldn’t reach out to him. He still lost his friend even after everything.

Back at Bobby’s Sam has been sleeping for twelve hours. Dean gave him a pill, when Sam made a face, he told him to trust him, he needed the rest desperately. It was a commercial barbiturate, he sneaked them out from an emergency service for a while back. After 12 hours passed, he still wasn’t awake, he started to question that too, maybe a sleeping pill was the last thing he needed. What if he slept in a coma or get lost in his head again? But that wouldn’t happen because he faced his demons and *woke up*. Now they just needed to fix everything. He woke Sam and literally immediately pulled away when he was again startled. This is gonna be difficult. At least he has some insight to dealing with people with mental issues. First things first, Sam’s hand needed tending. The stitches hold and there was no sign of infection. He sterilized the wound with alcohol, again to make sure. First thing Sam asked was the monsters. Typical. His head cracked open inside, he still wanted to know how the world is doing. Well, Dean wasn’t gonna deflect it. Now, the biggest problem was Sam’s mental health. He went on psychoanalysis making sure Sam was gonna talk. He outright told “I’m not okay.” He retorted with “Ya think?!” but he was actually alarmed. Him directly saying he wasn’t okay was unique. He didn’t even have the usual “I’m fine” routine he had no bearing to even try to control. He felt angry but mostly scared because Sam was having problems and trying to hide them. But man, he wanted him to be okay. They failed a lot recently, they failed to reach out Cas, when it didn’t work, failed to stop him. When they eventually did reach out to him it was already too little too late. They needed a win. And Dean’s biggest win would always be Sam’s wellbeing. Even after this. But with some effort, he kept his feelings in check and continued the psychoanalysis. Question after question, one answer at a time Sam told his hallucinations. It’s so typical while Sam is losing his mind, he would be trying to keep Dean from worrying. He wondered if Sam heard him and Bobby talking. “As in specifically what?” Sam is having hallucinations of Lucifer. Honestly, how would you argue with that? How to rationalize it? This is too big for Dean to deal. He tried reasoning. While would Lucifer make him see things rather than downright kicking his ass in the cage. “Well, as he puts it, you can’t torture someone who has nothing left for you to take away.” Well then what this Malibu dream mention of world Lucifer making him see, is the post-apocalyptic mess? “It had to be a mess, Sam or you wouldn’t believe it was your life”. While Sam was listening this from Lucifer, Dean studied him. He was having hallucinations right. now. Now, it was Dean’s turn to lose his ground. He asked looking right into Sam’s eyes, if he *knew* he wasn’t real. Because this was the key. Schizophrenics can live pretty much normal under medication knowing what is real and what isn’t. What is their normal anyway? They could deal with this. Sam said, “He is saying the same thing about you”. Now Dean’s blood cooled inside his veins. The kid looked so scared, his puppy dog eyes filled with tears of fear and despair he had no grip of reality anymore. The actual fact of him downright telling everything to them was itself desperation to the fullest. He can’t cope alone. He isn’t even sure he *can* cope in any way. And honestly, Dean couldn’t rationalize anymore. Sammy was so smart, even his crazy was too well crafted for his own sake, the brain of his made no loophole for them to invade with reality. Damn. This wasn’t the kind of thing they could cope alone. For now, he wouldn’t let Sam out of his sight.

Sam was cleaning his gun. Dean wasn’t happy that he was dealing with gun right now with everything that is going on. He didn’t know if this cleaning of guns all of a sudden had an underlined meaning with his current condition, but he chose to watch from a distance. Dean took the bullets away when Sam wasn’t looking. He didn’t want to point Sam that he isn’t trusting him near weapons. He would understand but it would cause him unnecessary distress. Their whole life was around weapons. And Bobby was asking how is Dean? Dean wasn’t gonna listen to himself in the middle of this. Like he ever did. He was scared, mostly. Anything else wasn’t important. This isn’t the kind of monsters they are used to deal with. They were hunting demons, monsters for real. He felt absolutely helpless with demons, monsters inside his baby brother’s head. Everything else was boxed up. This is how Dean dealt with it. He saw no problem doing it. He prioritized and focus one thing at a time, each battle individually. There were too many of them, to really focus on how *he* feel anyway. He was good with it. He was a little annoyed Bobby was asking, he could lie to his face even without the slightest remorse because Bobby can read his face, he knows Dean isn’t fine with Sam like this. This was the man who cried, yelled when he learned about the crossroads deal. Bobby knew what Sam meant to him, he knew how desperate he feels, over the problem that he can’t solve, hunt down, kill, negotiate. The only thing he *can* do is to keep Sam safe. Bobby didn’t need telling. He did appreciate though, when Bobby told him he is there for him if he needed to talk. He didn’t, he couldn’t talk about it yet. But just the same.

Right when Dean didn’t wish the Leviathan’s to show up for them to gather information, strategize, of course they did. Next day, bunch of boys ate swim team. Dean wasn’t going to get involved. But Sam made his case. Bobby was there, Sam downright told he was in no condition to hunt (Dean’s panic was escalating.) Dean was supposed to be the one. They were closest to the scene, Sam would be safe with Bobby. Dean had no question or doubt that Bobby would keep Sam safe. But leaving while he was like this, was unnerving. He accepted for a quick swipe. He didn’t want Sam to feel like he is making impossible for them to do their job. He didn’t need that regret too as icing to the cake. He did make a quick run and called Sam on his way back to tell him sit tight. He was racing to get back, but Sam sounded fine. Of course, this didn’t guarantee the next second. Ironically, Sam was seeing Lucifer right the hell now, playing with knife.

Dean went back to Bobby’s, saw the place burning to the ground. He lost his breath, kneeled down for a second, until his head spin heart and breath went back to normal. SSAAAAMMM!! SAMMMYYYYY!!! BOBBYYY!!  
Ten minutes ago he talked to Sam, Bobby was there what the hell was going on. Was Sam dead? Did he make out in time? He scavenged the place while trying to call Sam and Bobby. There was no body on the sight but building was mostly collapsed he couldn’t be sure. Both their phones were going straight to voicemail. He yelled DAMN IT and threw the phone with all his force, but he recovered quick and take it back. He remembered Sam’s GPS was on. Running to the impala, he checked the GPS and saw a small dot still active. He let out a huge breath, went out like a whimpering, he then realized he was crying. He got rid of the tears with back of his sleeve, the vision impairment wasn’t something he need right now. While he was rushing to Sam, Bobby called. He was relieved that no one was in the building. Probably he and Sam went out when fire started, and Bobby was calling him to tell their where they are.  
\- Bobby I’m on my way to you right now. How did you manage to get out?  
\- What are you saying kid, from where?  
\- Your house Bobby it’s on fire, burning. Mostly collapsed gone.  
\- WHAT THE HELL?! Damn it! Did Sam get out fine?  
\- What? Sam isn’t with you?  
\- No I’m at Sioux Fall. Sam was at home.  
\- His GPS is located some place else.  
He hung up the phone and pushed the gas pedal all the way back. He was glad Sam make out okay but he wasn’t relieved. Where was he? In what state was he? That fire started and ate the building pretty damn quick. It was probably set deliberately. He remembered Leviathans’ last words, “we’ll be back for you”. They knew from Cas’ head where Bobby lived. IT was pretty stupid STUPID thing to do to go back Singer’s yard. What if Sam was still in there, dead, the monsters that started the fire took Sam’s phone? To track he and Bobby too? He punched the wheel “DAMN IT SAM DON’T YOU DARE!”. He knew nothing yet. He had to reach that dot first. One battle at a time. 

When Bobby left after Jody Mills’ call, Sam put a brave face, but he wasn’t doing remotely fine. Even while Bobby finally gathered himself to talk some sense, more sympathy Sam was seeing Lucifer stabbing Bobby with a fire iron. Bobby left and he was more scared and not trusting his brain to be alone. Lucifer immediately took advantage. Sam returned to dismantling and reassembling his gun, timing himself. He knew repetitive activities help staying grounded. In his condition. After everything, he has been through, deaths and resurrections, losing his mind was making him feel pointless. He wasn’t the only hunter who lost it along the way, Martin, in example, and he knew he had nothing to be ashamed of or feel less than. He knew not any one of them was tortured by Lucifer himself, to lose his mind. His soul was tarnished in cage. If… this was real. If, he was upside. If he wasn’t still in cage with Lucifer. God… How was he going to carry on? He remembered Lucifer’s suggestion, putting the gun to his head. Then he would know. And honestly, he was okay one way or another. If he was actually alive, then death would be a peaceful place away from his own head. And if he was in the cage, he would still be tortured, at least he wouldn’t be *inside* his head. But if he was really alive, he couldn’t do that to Dean.

Right then Dean came in, thankfully. He needed his help, and he was actually being a dick about it. Yet, Dean trusting him for back up meant everything in his condition, gave him a purpose. He was thankful. Dean continued to be dick all the way to the office building. But he suggested professional help too. They both knew this wasn’t something they dealt with or have any expertise to handle but what was the alternative really? If he were to talk to anyone about it he would be committed to mental institution for life or load him with medicine to turn him a living ghost which was incompatible at best with their living conditions. If he would talk evasively then he wouldn’t get the necessary help. No win situation. Dean actually said “You are never gonna be okay Sam.” Well, this was too much. When Sam loses hope in himself it was Dean to tell him ensuring him that he was good, not evil, he was a hero, best little brother. He brushed those off on the surface but those comments, the knowledge of Dean believing in Sam always kept him grounded, safe. He always trusted and valued Dean’s way of seeing himself. Now that that is gone… was there no hope at all? Dean told him if he seeing Lucifer he may see all kinds of crap, thinking they were real. That he can’t deal. He opened the door to the office building. Then Lucifer made himself known. It was LUCIFER not Dean! Then what? WHAT is real?! Lucifer told him that he controls what is real. That’s it then? Lucifer is real. He lost it and pulled his gun, started shooting. When Lucifer told him to put his gun to his head, it seemed plausible. Right. Definitive end to this overly confusing string of hallucinations where he believed he was on Earth, with Dean. He needed to know. He needed this to end. When Lucifer pointed the gun under his chin, his gun went there also. Then Dean came in. If he was seeing Lucifer along with Dean, Dean must be real right?  
Dean momentarily saw the gun under Sam’s chin he went still, his blood went cold. He raised his hands, no movements. Nothing to startle him. The panic was clawing his insides, but he didn’t dare to move or speak for a moment. Only his eyes were filling. Then Sam got distracted.  
Then Sam saw Lucifer as Dean again. There WAS no out! He pointed the gun at fake Dean and shot. Dean was relieved, the gun pointing shooting to something else rather than… he couldn’t finish the thought.  
\- I thought I was with you Dean!  
Dean was confused but understood immediately. “Okay.” He said, pointing to himself gently. “Here I am.”  
\- I cannot know that for sure do you understand me?  
Sam’s chin was trembling, he was having a major breakdown, he was scared, panicked but communicating clearly. One good sign. Dean’s heart break he didn’t know how he can convince him… One step at a time.  
\- I don’t remember driving here!  
Then Sam aimed at air and shot again! He was breathing heavily losing the little grip that he had. “Whoa whoa whoa!!!! Sam! This discussion does not require a weapon’s discharge!!!” Talk clearly, reach out to him, the kid is gonna get himself killed. Sam took two deep breaths, steadying himself and lowered his weapon. Sam, however, didn’t want to accidentally kill Dean, the real Dean, if any of them is real. He wouldn’t be able to make it. It was starting to dawn on him. Now was Dean’s maybe only chance to reach out. He wouldn’t talk about his hell, rarely he did, but on this, it was essential. He kept his hands out still, slowly taking one step at a time towards Sam, without drawing attention to his movement. He told him he knew hell’s torture, the way it feels different. His face hardened, while he talked, he ignored his pain to push through. Sam was shaking his head “no” the entire time  
\- But how can you know that for sure?!  
“Let me see that hand.” This was the most important speech of his life. He had to turn Sam from the cliff. He pushed the wound until it bled. He talked clearly. “this is different. Not one year ago, not in hell, now. I was with you when you cut it, I sewn it up. This is different, RIGHT? I am different, RIGHT?” Dean wasn’t able to hold it completely together anymore, but his emotions was actually reaching out to Sam, hoping he would see no hallucination can be more believable than actual tearful begging big brother to Sam. He was the one person who knew Dean the best after all. He believed that with all his being willing Sam to see him as who he is. “I am your flesh and blood brother Sam. I am the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out Sammy.” 

The blood and psychical pain distracted Sam only momentarily. He believed Dean. It did feel different. He was Dean. At the same time Sam saw Dean, the other one. He smirked Dean’s characteristic smirk and looked Sam’s other hand. His other hand had the identical bandage and wound. It stinged, differently. He literally held one hand in hell one on Earth. Dean said “And I was with you when you cut this one. I didn’t sew it up. I let it bleed. The pain? How many ways we dealt with pain Sam really?” He smirked it again and his face went serious. The other hand started to throb exactly the same. While these were happening, Sam got rid of Dean’s grab unknowingly and started backing away. Dean still held his hands high, slowly closing the distance of every step. Sam put both hands on his head, cried NO NO NO! tears were smearing down, breathing heavily, completely lost it again, in one second, closed his eyes. He knew it then. He couldn’t know, couldn’t deal, couldn’t function. Hell, ALL of these might be in his head, ALL of these may be happening in his head while he was in cage, he couldn’t know it. Even if he believed the brother in front of him was real. He could very well be real in his head. Because honestly, who did he watch his entire life to bring to death an exact Dean in his mind? What other memory, person did he have to hold on to safety bar? The safety in this situation was completely lost obviously. All this battle in his head, turn of events took maybe two seconds, but he decided. He opened his eyes and saw Dean. He didn’t have courage to speak much, he only had one second, he only said “Sorry Dean.”. Then he put the gun under his chin, pulled the trigger. Last thing he heard was Dean’s “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” and the other Dean’s laugh.

Sam got distracted for a second, looked at his side, then his hands, freaked out and started backing away. Dean was closely following. He put his hands on his head, Dean was very aware and very afraid of the gun he was holding in his unharmed hand. He was glad he emptied Sam’s gun. Still, he wasn’t at ease. He wouldn’t have him even try to pull the trigger. It would be too much, he cautioned himself. Sam closed and opened his eyes for a second, his eyes were puppy dog eyes Dean would give anything when he looked at him like that, but now his eyes were filled with tears, streaming down to his face, apology was the most prominent expression in his eyes, face. He said “sorry dean” close to whisper with his panicked breathing. The moment he saw it was too late, Sam was quick with his guns, he put it under his chin, Dean jumped to Sam, yelling, gun went off. Sam was falling down as he reached and hold him, Dean’s knees went out too. They fell together to the floor. “SAAAAAMMM!!! Sammy?”. Dean’s head was spinning. Last remaining unshed tears were spilling down his cheeks, his face expressionless, painless, gone. One hope, he checked Sam’s pulse, it wasn’t there. He yelled one more time with acceptance “SAAAMM!!” He hugged his brother, the only movement of his body (I can’t think that-I can’t think that), the only movement of Sam was with Deans crying, hugging his brother. It slowly dawned to him that his brother, Sammy, lost the battle inside his head, and he couldn’t talk him through it. He was one second too late to prevent it. His baby brother was, dead. He was very well trained, he timed it perfectly, Dean, couldn’t reach him in time.

Time was pointless. He stayed there with his brother. Then Sam started getting cold. Frantically he hugged him tighter, trying to keep his warmth. Dean cried himself out, now tears were streaming through his face, but the breakdown was over. He was looking somewhere without seeing, his face completely blank. Sam was still in his arms. Always. He felt a vibration of his cell phone a very small reflexive part of his brain registered. That small realization made one question to pop unwillingly in his head. Because it actually didn’t matter. Not after this. Not after… How did the gun fire? He was maybe subconsciously one second too late because he knew the gun was empty. He slowly realized when Sam was thinking he was coming here with himself, he reloaded his gun. Did he think Dean didn’t trust him when he checked and saw it was empty? Did that realization loosened his grip on reality and his trust at himself? Because his big brother didn’t? Dean closed his eyes and let tears spill down until there were none left.

The sun was changing the light, he saw his brother’s face under light one last time. He positioned Sam at a comfortable position, he took his jacket off, put it under his head, “there you go brother, until I come back.” He took out his phone dialed Bobby’s number. His voicemail answered.

“Bobby, you asked me how I was doing. Well, not good. My beautiful mind brother came to the warehouse outside the town. I couldn’t… Bobby… I couldn’t… Well. Okay. Alright… Sam was having a major breakdown and he… he… shot himself before I couldn’t do anything. We are here, come get us, or… better yet, send someone to get us. Goodbye Bobby.”

Tears returned before he said “shot” and he needed to kneel down and take deep breaths to gather himself. He didn’t want to make this phone call beside Sam. He didn’t want to include even Bobby to their final moments. He returned inside, took Sam back to his arms, he hugged him one last time, kissed his both cheeks, his forehead. He pulled his gun out, putting it under his chin, hugging Sam with one arm still. “Okay… alright… See you Sammy.”

He pulled the trigger.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Take a deep breath, recover from it. We always knew the show is dark, but luckily not this dark.
> 
> But I tried to capture what the show doesn't show us, what characters live through, not talk about it, not to each other, not to anyone. They never addressed that phone call. Bobby must have get that message, I don't know whether "if you die before me Imma kill you" speech from Bobby to Dean was in any way related to this. I don't think it is because it was basically Bobby saying goodbye to boys before dying like in true supernatural way.
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts and leave a review.


End file.
